Thanksgiving (More Importantly the Meal)

This holiday has always given me mixed emotions.  As a kid it was exciting because I was getting a four day weekend.  Also, I was going to get to drink a ridiculous amount of soda on Thanksgiving.  You can’t go wrong with less school and more sugar.  Now I still get four days off, and that is exciting, but I can’t even have sugar anymore and while excited for the four days off I am less than ecstatic about actually celebrating Thanksgiving.  The biggest reason? The food.  There is nothing good about a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.  Which is ridiculous.  If we are going to be thankful and celebrate by eating a big meal maybe we should think about eating something that we actually like.  If you are starving and you say to yourself that the one thing you could really go for is a giant turkey with all the fixings then you belong in the 1950’s. 

First of all, turkey sucks.  It is always dry and the only reason people eat it other than on Thanksgiving is because it is supposed to be good for you.  You know how to tell that nobody really likes turkey and we are all just pretending? They keep trying to come up with new ways to cook it for Thanksgiving.  People have resorted to deep frying, the form of food preparation that should make everything taste better.  Still, I bet you that you take a bite and think to yourself “well this is better than an oven roasted turkey.”  Congratulations idiots and I bet you that you are also thinking how much better this fried turkey would be if it was fried chicken. 

So I am sure you are saying, “Well if you don’t like turkey, why not just eat the sides?” I am glad you brought that up.  Are you enjoying the traditional sides? I only eat the sides at Thanksgiving and you know what… if they are traditional sides I am better off not eating anything at all.  Let’s start with the stuffing.  A bunch of random grossness that spent all day cooking inside the disgusting turkey.  Everything about it is wrong.  It is mushy and full of things that shouldn’t really be mixed together but they are.  So even if I could get over the fact that it was inside the turkey while it was cooking there is nothing appealing about it – from smell to taste to the way it looks like a pile of cat vomit on the dinner table.  You know what people use it for? To eat with the turkey so it doesn’t taste so damn dry.

The other thing we use to help with the dry turkey – gravy!!!!!!!!! Hopefully it isn’t made the traditional way with leftover turkey parts to give it a good base and flavor.  (SO GROSS! Why not just take the turkey and let the dog gnaw on it for awhile to soften it up? That has to be cleaner than making gravy with leftover turkey body parts.)  Still, there the gravy is and everyone is piling it on their turkey, stuffing, and maybe mashed potatoes.  All this because the turkey is that terrible.  So we are already combining two more terrible sides to try and get this turkey down.

What about cranberries? I like fruit – in fact I really enjoy cranberries.  I feel like cranberries are good in juice form, okay in craisin form, and terrible in Thanksgiving form.  It is some disgusting paste you get served at old folks homes, school cafeterias, and prisons.  It is food but we are only steps above cat and dog food at this point.  Since I don’t really like meat, I always take a scoop or two of cranberries in an effort to not look like I despise this entire meal.

I know there always has to be some kind of potato side.  My family has always varied from sweet potatoes, which nobody likes, to some cheese butter sour cream mix that everyone eats all of.  I like potatoes so I can’t necessarily get too angry at this dish.  Still if given the choice I don’t want to eat a plate of potatoes, cranberries and bread, then top it off with a piece of pumpkin pie. Yummmmmmmmyyyyyyyyy.  A giant orange pumpkin is another thing I only thought people would eat if they were starving to death and the option was that or your friend.  (Even then I bet it is only 60/40 odds, you take one bite of that pumpkin, and suddenly it goes from 60/40 to 80/20.) 

Yet this is the meal that we wait all year to eat.  Real nice. I mean really what the hell am I being thankful for? The fact that I can afford canned goods? Originally, a turkey dinner was just a nice step up from the broth poor people were eating every other day.  (If you are currently eating broth every day feel free to tell me to go to hell and please enjoy your stupid turkey this year.)  

Still, I am pretty sure most of you aren’t that poor and you aren’t struggling to find a meal everyday.  If this is the case then why not leave the crappy, traditional Thanksgiving food in the past where it belongs? Do we just keep making it because our mom’s mom’s mom’s mom’s mom has always made this and it is tradition? Well I am sorry to say this but some traditions are meant to die.  Maybe the actual tradition was people getting together with other people they were thankful for knowing and celebrating this get together with a delicious meal.  So the turkey was good up through the 1950’s then the world started to realize there is better food out there than a big ham or turkey.  If you really like meat, how much better would a high quality steak be on Thanksgiving?  You can’t tell me you wouldn’t choose that over the turkey.  I have an idea.  Let’s go ask the people at the shelter what they will take.  Turkey? Or a really nice steak?  I put money on the steak running out first and a possible riot ensuing because the people who got there late had to eat turkey.  This is because nobody really likes these out-dated meals.  There is a reason Black Eyed Pea keeps closing restaurants.  

You aren’t sitting at work thinking about dinner for the night and thinking how awesome it would be to have a big chunk of dry turkey with some neck and giblet gravy and some gelatin paste cranberries.  You are thinking about something that is actually enjoyable.  You might even be thinking about something you wish you could have all the time but don’t because it is too expensive or bad for you.  Whatever you are thinking about when you are starving is what you should be having for dinner on Thanksgiving.  NOT TURKEY.