Public Locker Rooms and Bathrooms

As I finally get ready to go back to the gym, I am trying to prepare myself for the disgustingness that is sharing anything with people you don’t know.  I know being out of shape is bad for my health, but I don’t think the people at the gym are good for my health either. 

I am only motivated to go to the gym if I go right after work.  Unfortunately, this means I will be forced to change in the locker room.  I dread the locker room.  First of all, there is no doubt that it is going to smell – especially during prime after work hours.  Someone undoubtedly has dropped a load in there, and there is no combating that.  Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed your enchilada platter with extra beans during your lunch break today.  I am also glad you decided to share it with the hundreds of other people that need to use the locker room.  Nothing beats walking through the already sweat-filled workout area to get hit by the aroma of the five pound lunch you had.  (Just so you know, that 2oo calories it took you an hour to burn off on the cardio equipment is probably half of the calories of one of your enchiladas.  Congratulations, you are still fat and you helped to ruin everyone else’s day.) 

Where is the decency anymore?  Are you the person at work that goes into the bathroom that everyone has to use, and then proceeds to sit there for 40 minutes with no courtesy flush, wrecking the whole place for hours? If you are, please don’t come up to tell me how awesome it is that you did that for 40 minutes while on the clock.  I am not impressed; merely disgusted.  Furthermore, you are probably the nasty jackass who walks out of the stall, splashes some water on your hands, run those same hands through your hair and then leaves.  (This is the single most heinous offense I experience when using public restrooms.  I am sure everyone appreciates the fact that you don’t feel you are gross in any way.  Unfortunately, you are the grossest person I know.  I wish I could put a note on your back so everyone would know what you are capable of.  You deserve no respect from anyone because obviously you only care about yourself.)

Alright, back to locker rooms.  While I am trying to breathe as little as possible, the second most uncomfortable thing is the nakedness.  I want to know at what point in life a guy comes to the conclusion that other people want to see him naked.  I think it must be around 45, maybe a little bit older.  Listen old man, I appreciate the fact that you have given up on life and have no self respect anymore but just because you have reached that point doesn’t mean I want to see you taking a seat on the bench that everyone else uses with no clothes on.  I am glad you had a good workout, but is it really that hard to keep your pants on?

I know if you have ever been in a public men’s locker room you have experienced this, and you have to be nodding your head.  I can probably describe the guy you see all the time, too. 

1.       No doubt he is covered in body hair (maybe this is why he is okay with being naked; he feels his fur coat covers up enough even though it doesn’t) 

2.       Certainly he has to dry his junk with his towel in one hand, barely covering anything up, while making some kind of exasperated noise… almost requesting someone to look (of course nobody does so this leads to him taking an extra minute to finish with this)

3.       Then, instead of starting to get dressed he loses the towel completely and, I can only assume, contemplates why he has no friends (I never stay in the locker room long enough to know how long this stage lasts, but I am sure it has to be close to 10 minutes)

4.       Finally, he puts on his underwear yet shows no real urgency to put on the rest of his clothes

5.       All in all, he finally leaves – at my best guess – 30 minutes after he finishes his workout (I have tried for the life of me to figure this out and still don’t understand it.  Are you spending this much time in the locker room because you have no other male friends and think this is a good place to meet them?)

How uncomfortable is it when your locker is right next to this guy? The first thought that goes through my head is, “Do I go back out to the gym and pretend to work out for another 10 to 15 minutes? I know I can’t hang out in here and wait, and I really might scream out in disgust if there is any contact.”  Just the thought of seeing that guy next to my locker gives me chills (and not the good kind).

This guy is contributing to the overall lack of cleanliness of public locker rooms and bathrooms.  I can’t stand the abundance of hair in bathrooms.  Are you really so hairy that every time you enter the bathroom you have to cover the toilet with a fine dusting of your disgustingness?  You can’t be clean if you are that hairy.  Are you using shampoo to clean yourself… because soap probably isn’t breaking through that fortress of hair.  Oh, and let’s mix the fact that there is hair everywhere with the fact that people can’t remember to flush.  I will not even cut you a break if you decide not to flush because you don’t want to waste water.  Guess what? I am going to flush the toilet if you didn’t, and I am going to do it before I use it. IN FACT I MIGHT DO IT TWICE SINCE I CAN’T TRUST HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN THERE AND WHAT MIGHT BE LINGERING.  Now all you have done is made my day worse and wasted even more water.

Gross.