Semi-quick note before my post: I see that it has been 2 years since my last written post. I was sitting around watching TV nothing was on so rather than waste my time I decided to grant the wishes of two or so people that have told me to write my blog again. I did change the name slightly because my wife Vanessa and I will be having a child soon(mostly Vanessa I just get to watch). I think people really want me to blog some of my thoughts on fatherhood but they will have to wait for now. I promise next week I will start from the finding out part and bring you up to date. At any rate here we go again……..
I will be turning 29 at the end of January and I can honestly say there has never been a time in my entire 28 years that I have enjoyed anything about facial hair. First I think it is important to point out that I grow creepy facial hair. It is light brown/blond so basically flesh colored and it does not even come close to looking attractive. I knew a long time ago when some kids were growing beards in 7th grade and I was facial hair free that I was not going to have to worry about it for a long time. Well this worked well for me up to about the age of 26. Gone were the days of going 2 weeks without shaving and then quickly buzzing off 1mm of peach fuzz. Instead I would go a week then realize that I in fact looked like one of the confused 7th grade kids that didn’t know how to shave or why they had to. Still, as long as I stayed fairly diligent I would look ok and I figured “hey at least I don’t have to shave twice a day or anything crazy like that” Well unfortunately for me it has gotten to the point where if I don’t shave every day I look less than pleasant. Only now rather than the 7th grader beard, I have the look of a guy they would cast to play a rapist or serial killer on some show like Law & Order. (Don’t believe me? If there are enough of you that don’t, let me know and I will gladly post a picture on twitter)
At any rate all this shaving that I have had to incorporate into my life has left me thinking about all the different styles of Facial hair. Mainly because one day while rushing I did not have completely accurate shave and unfortunately for me I missed right under my bottom lip in the middle of the chin. I believe and I could be wrong, that this is thesingle douchiest facial hair style to have. (Soul Patch? I just googled it and I would say that while mine was a little less pronounced than those in pictures it was none the less there) Anyways as I was thinking to myself how stupid I must look. It came to me that this had to be how every terrible facial hair style comes into being. It is a combination of laziness and error.
Let’s seriously think about it for a second. Other than a mustache( which if we were progressing as a society would be banned by now) and beards( I am talking full on beards and I suppose I will give you the stubble beard that Hollywood somehow made popular) why did anyone think anything else looked even remotely close to ok. Here is a quick thought on the three or four facial hair styles I even know of:
1. Mustache. I am guessing this is a product of my Father’s generation. For some reason everyone wanted one and women either enjoyed laughing at them behind their backs or just didn’t care to realize how creepy it made them look. I don’t know when the tide turned but I would probably watch a movie about it.
2. Beard. I have two thoughts on beards. One if you are going with the light stubble beard, good for you but just know that every guy knows you had to clean it up to make it look Hollywood-esque. So why not just shave? My guess is because some drunk girl one time said it was a good look on you.
Two is the crazy beard. This beard is ideal if you want to either look crazy or crazy. I think the other theory is a good beard will make you look skinner. All I think when I see someone with a beard is how gross it must be when it gets in their mouth.
3. Goatee. Total product of the 90’s right? This tops my list as far as lazy facial hair goes. There is no way guys should think this looks good. It is just weird. Is it to hide cold sores? I mean that is the first guess I have. Is that why it seems cold sore commercials are aimed mostly toward women? They can’t grow a goatee, so they have to put something on it.
4. Soul Patch. The half day I had to suffer though my semi-soul patch was one of the worst self-esteem days I have ever had in my life. I can’t imagine purposely growing one and proudly walking out of my house.
5. Mutton Chops- I mean come on these are named after food. Seriously what made people ever think these were ok. I don’t know that anyone other than hipsters would grow these anymore and when Hipsters get involved nobody wins. Seriously can’t you see some old guy who has had them for years see a hipster with them and decide “Wow they must be making a comeback” All while the hipster is thinking wow I bet that guy doesn’t even know I grew these ironically. They both keep them and society loses yet another battle to look intelligent
I am sure there are so many more out there but I don’t know them because I obviously want nothing to do with them.
So you ask, Why such a strong dislike? (I know you are only asking this question if you don’t know me, since I have some many dislikes my friends have grown accustomed to assuming I don’t like everything. This is fairly accurate by the way) Well the answer is fairly simple. Shaving is and will always be a major inconvenience. I know I look better when I do it, but the effort that goes into it is overwhelming. It is kind of ironic that as I get older I care less about what people think about my looks yet I have to do so much more just to avoid looking like a homeless person. So everyday I have to break out my electric razor (yes electric….commence laughing at me, but a real razor can cut me and that just seems crazy especially when they have crappy electric ones that just pull a hair every now an then) stare in the mirror and waste three to five minutes getting rid of the third most unnecessary hair a person can have. (Long nose hair and ear hair are 1 and 2, although back hair could replace either of those if it is bad enough) I do all of this just to avoid being mistakenly picked up and interviewed by police because my facial hair description matched that of the weird guy that has been parking his white van near a school or sorority. There has to be an easier way, but until then I guess I will have to suffer and silently judge those brave enough to wear their facial hair proudly.
Last note: In no way should this be interpreted as me thinking I am better than people with facial hair. I just know that I am not meant to have it.
No comments:
Post a Comment